The Hateful Jazz Vampire

Yngwie Malmsteen

benniegoodman — Sat, 16 Aug 2008 18:53:53 +0000

Yngwie Malmsteen is a dick! I’d make him wash his underwear before going to bed because he’s a shitter for sure. Look:

Asshole Can't Rock

Get over yourself Yngwie Malmsteen. You play a fucking guitar! You’re no hero. You’re not a soldier of truth and justice. You’re a fucking bard, a banjo player, a flibberdigibbert. Rainbow head! Nice tight pants, fatty. Here’s a guy who’s stuck in the 50s!

Da da daaa da: DOUG!

Ow! That tickles when you play that. No one feels particularly evil when listening to your music. You are on Satan’s pussy wall of fame, you girl!

Kim

benniegoodman — Wed, 13 Aug 2008 15:24:51 +0000

Kim is such a bitch. I hate Kim.

Hi! I'm Redfaced Bitch-Kim

Kim is a total loser and I hope she eats crap, literally, for breakfast. She sleeps with dogs and zebras and has a hole in her ass right next to her asshole that she oozes shit from. I hate her guts and she is dumb.

One time, Kim was trowing up at a fancy restaurant, and I kicked her in the tit. The waiter laughed and slapped her across the face because she’s such a douche bag. Another time she called for pizza and they said no.

Look what she drives to work in the asshole mountains:

The Slutmobile!

She has AIDS and SARS. She has sex like a sea lion. She smells.

Everybody stop talking to Kim.

Dicks

benniegoodman — Thu, 07 Aug 2008 22:39:46 +0000

I freaking hate dicks.

OH MY FREAKING GOD!!! HATE HIM...

Nosey freaking assholes, always slapping down on tables and poking around. I’m sick of these dicks messing up my life. You commit a crime and then dicks swarm the place. Dicks are horrible. Private dicks are the worst kind. I like my dicks public.

Their blood tastes awful, too. Ever try to suck on a dick for blood? I would only suck a dick if I got paid lots of money. Of course, my own dick doesn’t count. My dick is awesome. He’s like a spy in the house of love. Wanr to see my dick? I took a picture to show you.

HOLY DICK

And now you know.

Mr. Bojangles

benniegoodman — Fri, 01 Aug 2008 19:13:11 +0000

My Arch Enemy is Mr. Bojangles. I must tell you?

muthafucka

We did the swing. Me and my band swung lo. Mr. Bojangles comes and he starts doing the old soft shoe. BASTARD! Now, it’s not about the music, it’s about that damn hambone. Jesuschrist. This guy starts sucking the blood out of everybody in the room!!! Bojangles. FUCK!

Starvie starving I am the man and the ghetto plan but this guys drank all the blood out of the room. We hates him. We does, precious.

No no no, he’s a nice guy right?

yea he nice guy right?

GANGSTA VAMPYRE BIATCH!!!!!

Easy E was easy and Big Daddy Cane was big, but I am bennie goodman muthafucka!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Borobudur

benniegoodman — Thu, 24 Jul 2008 00:15:43 +0000

Have you ever been to Borobudur? It sucks. It’s on the island of Java, and I can’t stand it. Java? What the fuck? Coffee Island? Right near Christmas Island? Yup That one.

Home to the Idiots

So, a bunch of idiots built a huge temple to some fat guy who had ideas. I don’t care. I don’t need your illuminated life. I had my dog take a crap on Borobudur. It’s full of hookers.

Ding Ping Ding

Look at this guy! This is you at Borobudur. Fat dumb turd. I taste Jesus! Yeah, good for you homeboy. You’re like Axl Rose without the red hair. So, if you like enlightenment and Borobudur you are stupid and don’t deserve to be part of my monopoly. FUCK Borobudur!

Heath Ledger

benniegoodman — Sun, 20 Jul 2008 13:49:37 +0000

Heath Ledger, Gay

I hate Heath Ledger. He’s so stupid. I’m glad he got shot. WITH A NEEDLE!!!! HA! He was horrible in the new Superman movie as ‘the Dark Night’. Anyone who likes Superman and Heath Ledger as ‘the Dark Night’ should be shot.

I don’t remember anything about the movie, but it sucked and it was mostly Ledger’s fault. Maybe he should go jump off a Ledger???? HAHAHA!

Look at this:

HEEEAAATH!

So gay as Bolbo Baggers is Heath Ledger. I wouldn’t even drink his blood cause he has the AIDS. Some women want to do him in the butt. DUMB! I hope they do and get the AIDS as well. I hope he gets into motorcycle accident and dies.

The Love Boat

benniegoodman — Wed, 16 Jul 2008 14:11:26 +0000

I don’t love it. This show was written and directed by Glenn Hughes.

Glenn Hughes

Look, if these people are going to fall in love, why on a boat? Boats are floating pieces of crap in my toilet boil which I shoot at with my urine gun. Yeah that’s love for you. What is this, a cruise for whores and prom kings?

One time this old lady fell in love on the show. Yeah right. The only thing old people fall into in real life is the basement! She should have fallen in the ocean and not gotten up. Stupid old bitch. And what’s with the crew?

What the hell's up with me?

Where’s Jack Nicolson when you need him? This guy supposedly paved the way for Patrick Stewart. More like Rod Stewart. If you want his body and you think he’s sexy, come on sugar get your fucking head examined, loser.

If I were on the love boat, I would drink everyone’s blood. I’d be Captain Bennie Goodman, VAMPYRE! Call the RED CROSS! PLEASE!!!!

So, if you like the Love Boat, you’re freaking lame.

Diet Soda

benniegoodman — Fri, 11 Jul 2008 20:47:06 +0000

Diet means what you eat. Even monsters are on a diet. Somehow, fat folks hijacked the word to mean weight loss formula sooooo cooool!!! Diet cookies are stupid, but here’s something even worse:

Barf Cans

Diet SODA? When did it get to this? I went to the store just to buy some. Yeah, I took a sip. It tasted like barf in a can watered down with urine strained through an old dirty sock. The store clerk told me I opened it and had to buy it. So I evulsed on him and he ran away.

My second sip lead me to believe I was being poisoned. And there it was in the list of ingredients ‘PURE 100% POISON’. Oh. Oh. I get it. A fat folk eats the soda and dies of poison and then they lose weight when worms it them up. Soon, they’re just a bony little thing.

I went into a rage. I took fifty shopping carts and tossed them all with one hand. Then I chopped of a gentleman’s head with my hand and danced in the blood fountain of his demise! Of course I drank the blood. I’m a vampYRE! Get scared of me.

Maple Syrup

benniegoodman — Tue, 08 Jul 2008 14:23:52 +0000

Have you ever run out of sugar and used honey or maple syrup instead. It sucks! Dude, my coffee tasted like a tree. A MAPLE tree. Look, I realize that Indians aren’t too smart, but this stuff is nasty compared to the happy white sugar powder. I’m glad we bombed Jamaica.

Maple Syrup is so gross, I fed it to a hobo and he threw up and slapped me thrice. I don’t enjoy it. Some people enjoy it on pancakes. WHAT??? Make a pancake with blueberries and drink a glass of milk. Put some butter on those flapjacks, idiots!

Maple Syrup is only for really poor people out in the Ozarks. There, they play on their fiddles and banjos and wait for people like me to drink their blood, but I WON’T. Imagine that, immortal hippies? No way! So, I drink a whole lot of someone else’s blood instead.

Maple Syrup is made from trees but tastes like honey coated frog ass. Just please say no to maple syrup and admire vampires from a distance.

I Hate Cockney Rhyming Slang

benniegoodman — Thu, 03 Jul 2008 20:47:50 +0000

For those of you not in the know, Cockney rhyming slang is a way for snobbish British people to say sneaky things behind people’s backs. They take a phrase like “This bloke’s a poof” and make up a phrase that rhymes with that like “That joke’s a roof”. And presto! Boring fucking Cockney twit lower class rhyming jizz.

It tosses the skunk. I’m delirious for dunce. Nickel, dime, and quarter their tartars and smothers, unk.

I’ve got some good news. YOU ROTTEN TEETH BASTARDS ARE GOING TO HELL. Why? You all have evil sinner’s teeth. I have smooth pointy strawlike teeth and drink Brits like juices boxes. I’ll slam a spigot in their corotid artery and lefty loosey, here come the juicy! Vampire slaves they shall be. MINE.

One time I was in London and at tea time I invaded this guys house in the form of a wolf. Then I drank his blood. He tasted of Earl Grey. His wife had a more Morgan Shipley taste to her. I’M A FEKKING VAMPIRE, ROIGHT ROIGHT THEN!!!

I got hep c from them. Took decades to clear up.

Some of my vampire friends and I played AIDS TAG in London back in the 1980s. You had to be clever though. First, get AIDS. Then, bite your friend’s next meal. Then call them up and say, “YOU GOT AIDS MUTHAFUCKA BECAUSE I BIT YOUR LUNCH AND I HAVE THE AAAAAAAIIIIIIDDDDSSSSS!!!!!!”

So, Cockney rhyming slang is for pitchforks and crotch towels.

GO TO HELL!!!